Tishara Ferdinand

The Hit

Reach for the small hit
because it feels like control,
the predictable spark
in a world that's not your own.

But every spark worshiped
dims the light within us,
if only we knew,
light could burn on its own.

Dopamine,
the promise of pleasure,
not the thing itself.
The salesman in our skull
that stops us from facing our self.

Voice 1: "Keep signing the contract"
Voice 2: "But every hit trains you"
Voice 1: "Payment is easy"
Voice 2: "Why do your impulses guide you?"

You become what you reward,
weakness disguised as relief.
And there's nothing noble or heroic
about being weak.

A victim of self
at least the impulses of it.
You want to be noble?
Then go on quit it!

Your biology drags you
through the same loops
you claim to hate.
You do not defeat it by fighting it.
You defeat it by knowing its fate.

See the pattern?
Interrupt it!
And choose the long arc.
Train your mind to do
what it should from the start.

Perhaps the way of an architect
is the way to shape a mind:
with intention,
with calculation,
and with both eyes opened wide.

Besides, who will inherit the consequences?
Isn't it the future you?
So who does this benefit?
Wouldn't that also be the future you?

Because when you stop chasing the surge,
life grows quiet,
you meet yourself.
Not the puppet version of you,
You!
The one you kept on the last shelf.

But they were never looking for a hit.
They were looking for a high.
The type you get
when life is back on your side.

An interesting thing happens when you have the will to live. It blows my mind how adaptable human beings are. What exactly happens when you're all out of choices? What exactly happens when your will to live is all you have left? Basic things become a matter of 'do' or 'die', and if you're brave enough to choose 'do' you end up with the ride of your life. You end up with a life worth living, an adventure, just like Dean Clifford.

Check him out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tstR5r9OwTA

There is a primitive need we have that's much stronger than survival...control

I've always believed that our will to survive is the strongest and most primitive feature that us as human beings come with but, today I was proven wrong. I watched a documentary on a group of people called "The Mole People", which is a group of people living in tunnels below Las Vegas, supposedly 1500 of them, and I found myself amazed at what people would do to maintain a sense of control over their lives.

If they truly cared about survival, they'd find a way back 'up'; a way into society so that they could eat and live. But living outside of society's norm, outside the rules gave them a sense of freedom, that they don't need to listen to anybody, not even the law. They claimed that they're down there because they lost their ID, but someone rightfully pointed out that even if they had gotten their ID's back they would've stayed in the tunnels.

Why?

It's because they live by their own rules, THEY ARE IN CONTROL.
They're clearly on edge, clearly terrified! And they know it! They know they're scared and not living life and are risking dying everyday, but yet still they're mentally and emotionally chained to this place and don't want to leave.

It reminds me of when I was a child and scared of the dark. I was scared of what was around the bed and under it, and yet still I stayed on the bed and covered up. Why? Why not leave the scary place that felt like a risk to my life? If I stayed on that one spot under the sheets on the bed, then I was safe because I was in control. Under the sheets I WAS IN CONTROL.

The sense of control, whether true or not creates a sense of safety, we deem it the same and value it higher than survival itself. Some rather take their own lives than face the unknown. That's control.
How scary would it be to feel happy and get pleasure from something you have no control over whatsoever? That's terrifying! Feels like torture.

Power - Control
Freedom - Control
Safety - Control
Planning - Control
Buying in bulk - Control
Predictability - C-O-N-T-R-O-L

This means that if we focus on what we can control, or at least what we have the illusion of control over, we could intentionally make ourselves feel safe in any circumstance or situation. That is true power.

Your love language is actually your trauma language.


My husband and I sat down to a long discussion tonight about love languages and it taught us something about people, about ourselves, that could make or break our relationship.


His main love language is words while mine is physical touch. That meant we didn't FEEL love genuinely unless in that form, no matter how hard we tried.


This has always been a mighty dragon for us to fight, but for the first time ever, we asked why.


"Why don't I feel it even if I know this is you trying to show love?"


Turns out his love language wasn't only words but he hated physical touch as he associates it with being abandoned. "You can't trust someone to be there for you all the time so you better not get comfortable in their arms." That's vulnerable, and nobody likes being vulnerable.


For me I didn't only love physical touch but I absolutely hated words as a love language. I've always felt like actions speak louder than words and people lie all the time. They say things they don't mean for better or worse, talk is cheap, right?


Then the discussion took an interesting turn. If we not only had very different love languages, but also hated each other's, what then were we to do? Should we use a language we hate? Why?


That's when my husband asked, "if I had to talk to someone who spoke Spanish, why speak their language, why not make them translate to my language?" My answer was "because I'm trying to tell them something"


So why then can't we do the same with love? Just translate how we feel? It's because of trauma. A healthy person should be able to recognize and feel love in all languages, someone with trust issues only trusts certain avenues of love.


The lie is to think they're all disconnected. After all, to talk to me and be vulnerable about how he feels, that's an action, isn't it? And for me to act in a certain way towards him, that's me saying something, isn't it?


We need to trust that love is love, whatever the medium. We need to practice showing love in all the languages to communicate what we're trying to say. That way we'll be fluent in love and a lot more capable of receiving it.

The race


I'm not following my mood again am I?
I'm not following the plan again, am I...
Chasing the carrot at the end of the string has now bored me
The "reason for living" has now bored me.
Now what?


Do I chase another mountain
-not climb but chase
Because it's a race not a journey
It's something I run so fast that I only remember after
Once the moment is gone.


I'm left with memories of rain and sunshine
No experiences
No experiences?
No more experiences...
The price for the race is no more experiences.


And to yearn for more,
is to disqualify yourself.

The storm


I don't feel the same
The air has changed
From upbeat and moving
To slow and silent


An internal storm
But cozy and warm
But wasn't the storm the villain?


Why then do I welcome it?

Look at the progress.

The difference between survival and living is your brain...